march 2024 - talking to God and artist statements
there has been no salvation this month
I know I technically cheated by writing last substack’s post mid-March, but I will give myself a pass :-) It honestly feels so long ago since I’ve written anything even though it’s only been a couple of weeks. Time has been moving so fast now that I’m in the thick of finishing up my thesis show and I’ve also been incredibly down bad (but in a way I can tolerate). I’m surprised I forgot to mention this in the last post, but I’ve been listening to a lot of Balming Tiger to really amp up my energy and put myself in a better mood! Specifically their song “Buriburi”
I’ve also been listening to a lot of movie soundtracks! A lot of “Poor Things”, “Oldboy”, “Sympathy for Lady Vengeance”, and “Dream Scenario” listens. This one in particular has been speaking to me a lot lately.
Such different vibes but I think it’s a really good representation of how my mind has been working this month. Teetering from energetic, motivated, and excited to quiet, reflective, and somber.
no savior on earth
In a lot of my substack posts I talk about friendship and how I feel a really big sense of loss in that regard. I am constantly fighting with the thoughts of having no friends, being abandoned by friends, or potentially being an unbearable person which causes a lack of friends. I’m sure all of those things are true to some extent.
I’ve come to this specific realization many times throughout my short time in Boston, but it’s an epiphany I don’t know what to do with. I think the reason why I feel a huge sense of loss in friendship is because I lack community, something that I was always surrounded by when I was younger because of church. I wouldn’t consider myself religious anymore but I’m not sure if it’s because “religious” kind of has a negative connotation to it. Although church communities are nowhere near perfect or God-like, you grow up with these people, see them every Sunday, sing together, pray together, recite verses together, etc. It’s hard not to harbor at least an ounce of love or care for them.
But more than community, I think I am continuously trying to find a “savior” within people. Because I’ve stepped away from the church and have been challenging my beliefs, I’ve also stepped away from God. I remember even in times where I questioned His existence or straight up did not believe in Him at all, I would still say the same short prayer every night before bed.
"Dear God, I hope tomorrow is a good day and that mom, dad, and brother will continue to stay strong and healthy and that everyone will be happy. Thank you, God. In Jesus’ name, I pray, amen.”
God is a supernatural spiritual being that we will never understand nor ever come close to in goodness, but He is also our friend, our Father. Someone who is always looking out for us, someone who always wants to talk to us, and someone who will always love us no matter how many times we hurt Him. At least that’s what we were taught. I never did much with this information but I did carry guilt with me wherever I went, knowing that God wanted so desperately to talk to me but I didn’t like the idea of talking to a faceless being who couldn’t respond. Or… At least I wouldn’t be able to hear anything even if He did.
Now that I’m not chasing salvation from God, it feels like I’m chasing salvation through other people. If church taught me that I’m an unloveable, dirty, sinful being, then wouldn’t it make sense that I have no friends? Only someone God-like would be able to find me tolerable. When I’m met with patience and kindness from others, there’s a feeling of hope, that maybe this person will save me from who I am because all I need is a savior to help me rid of my wretchedness. If they love me, even better! All of this also ties into my issue with idolizing people but I’ll stop here because I’m not sure if this is making any sense.
YouTube
I’ll move on to the YouTube section because I feel like I just went on a random tangent that went on for too long… hehe.
I have all of Shel Silverstein’s books back at home and they’re books I cherish so much. I remember rereading these books over and over again, feeling oh so smart. As an adult, his poems still make me feel whimsical and childish. I love him! I wish I was a kid again.
Feeling nostalgic again! I wish I still had a working DS. A really cute video that goes back in time to talk about old iconic DS games :-)
ins
croffles
tank tops
blue eye shadow + glitter
“comfort over style” days
radiohead…….
old, obscure YouTube series that garner a niche community
love poems
wen junhui for nylon china (gender envy…..)
outs
ubereats (I say this but watch my ass get it 3 times this week)
instinctively saying “sorry”
critiquing stupid tiktok videos that don’t actually mean anything (subway girl interview….)
cover letters
k-beauty? (controversial.. i’m just over it… for now)
April wishes
finish all senior thesis pieces before installation!
potentially start another 2d piece
learn about wax casting
be less paranoid >:-/
go on walks more (putting this here again because I have not been going outside because of the shitty spring weather)
have a lovely April!!!!!!!
love,
soey <3